When you were young did you have an image in your mind of the person you might
grow up to be? You had hopes and dreams and some of those became a reality while
others became just a distant memory. When you look at yourself now and remember
the person you had hoped to be how much of a difference do you see? Is it better,
is it different, or is it just worse?
As a person with some spiritual awareness one would hope that it is not the
last one, but sadly for many, at some stage, it is just that. In this age of
huge expectations, the reality for many people is huge disappointments, but
this is largely because our choices and desires are not truly chosen by us.
Often our decisions are not our true heart’s desire but choices formed
by society, other people and what we perceive other people to expect or want
of us.
If as you are reading this you perhaps feel that you have strayed some way from
the path you imagined taking then relax, take a deep breath, you are not alone.
All over the world there are thousands, perhaps millions of people who feel
that way, I have been one of them. It is not a space I wish to visit again,
and I am mindful to try and keep on the right path as it is so easy to fall.
For better or worse, each and every one of us has the power to change ourselves,
the life we lead and the world immediately around us.
My own life has taken me through a rollercoaster ride from highs to lows and
back again, as part of my journey of discovering myself: Some ten or more years
ago I might have written a very different article, I was in a very dark place.
I was commuting 5-6 hours a day to Dublin in a stressful job, attempting to
get a house built for my young family, trying to maintain a dysfunctional relationship
with my wife and my in-laws whilst also separated by long distance from my own
family. I had lost touch with my spirituality as it was not ‘acceptable’
in the circles I mixed in and I got little sustenance from the Catholicism of
my early years and that those around me participated in.
Suddenly it all fell apart: I lost my job, my wife asked me to leave, and very
soon I found myself alone in a microscopic bed-sit with no money, no wife, no
house, no job, no friends, the only thing that gave me a faint glimmer of hope
was my toddler daughter who still loved me and did not judge me, regardless
of all the madness going on around me.
Things got worse, my attempts to rebuild my life were not very effective, although
I managed to set up in business and get enough work to get by, but I became
depressed and instead of acknowledging this I began to drink, smoke, I took
drugs, used pornography, I sat in on my own and instead of cooking (which I
formerly enjoyed) I ate fast food, packet soups and microwave meals. This continued
for a while until one day driving quickly on the way to Dublin I looked at a
big truck coming the other way and thought to myself how all that was required
was a quick turn of the steering wheel to the right and it would all be over.
Something stopped me, thank goodness, I think it was the image of my daughter
alone and helpless without a stable influence in her life and her unhappiness
that brought me to my senses. I realized that I had a reached a point where
I was a million miles away from the person I had hoped to be or even had been
in the past. I had been a fun loving, creative, energetic and positive person
– in my work (a professional musician, graphic designer, semi-professional
artist) and also sociable and gregarious in everyday life. Now I had become
just a sad shell, with no interests, no spiritual life, a failure with no vitality,
who literally dragged himself through each day. At that moment I hated myself,
I was full of disgust and self loathing and I couldn’t bear what I had
become; it was then that I decided that my choices were either death or a fight
– a fight to re-find myself, to become a healthy and happy person who
wanted to live and enjoy life. I think that I had already decided that suicide,
however appealing at the time, was not an option, which left me with an enormous
mountain to climb.
At first I didn’t know where to start, I knew what I wanted to do but
I felt so ineffectual and powerless that I seemed to get nowhere. Having considered
seeking medical assistance I discussed my depression with my mother, who thankfully
was understanding and advised me to leave visiting my GP as a last resort. This
turned out to be excellent advice as no doubt I would have been loaded up with
prescription drugs rather than given what I needed – a humane helping
hand along the path to recovery.
One of the biggest steps was to visit an acupuncturist to try and relieve the
monumental stress that I was carrying around with me. It was quite traumatic
at first – it prompted my pent up emotions releasing as well as some physical
relief. The therapist’s advice to spend just a few minutes each day doing
something to make me feel happy was fantastic because even such a small thing
seemed very difficult at the time. After a few sessions and gradually following
her advice I began I feel I had a small foothold on the cliff face back to a
‘normal’ life. I began to visit the beach on a regular basis and
often screamed at the sea or threw huge rocks into it. More than anything, my
healing experience of the woods and the sea set me on the road to recovery.
I began to remember bits of who I used to be, I remembered how my Mother had
introduced me to yoga when I was 10 or so (although I had not taken it at all
seriously). Also in my early teens my uncle had introduced me to Buddhism, both
of these things together with sports had become a major part of my development
as a teenager but had become forgotten as my life became increasingly complicated
in my late twenties. I now decided that I would go to yoga classes, try to meditate
and start running in the mornings. I had also been interested in Celtic culture
since childhood and particularly Druidry since my early twenties. At first I
found kick starting myself very difficult: the yoga made me feel better for
up to a day but faded quickly, I was unable to clear my mind enough to meditate
and the running racked my body with pain. Spending time in the woods and many
hours watching the sea was easier and so very therapeutic that it helped me
to address rebalancing my body and living a more natural and healthy existence.
By now I realized the natural world’s ability to heal me, and how important
it would become in my recovery.Gradually over time as the yoga, walks and running
began to de-stress and strengthen my body my mind also began to clear and become
more positive: I became more outgoing and started to make a few friends. I was
still drinking a lot and eating rubbish but I eventually began to see that this
was undermining the good work the yoga and exercise was doing, I was also relapsing
from time to time into negative thought patterns and a depressed state for days
at a time.
I realized that I had no choice other than to keep going, the way back led only
to darkness, pain and perhaps death; I had always known that it would be slow
and painful but this was a real test of my patience and resilience. Someone
had suggested I look at natural alternatives to prescription drugs, which would
avoid the, often unpleasant, side-effects, stigma and the permanent ‘blot’
on my health record. The reality is that most people suffer from depression
at some point in their lives, however that has not stopped people being made
to feel ashamed or somehow lacking.
So, I used the internet to research the subject - which revealed some shocking
testimony about medical treatment and also about the success, seemingly without
problems, of herbs such as St. Johns Wort. I had noticed a general tendency
in the course of my life to become down in the winter, and this herb seemed
to be effective in the treatment of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) as well
as clinical depression, and so I decided I would give it a try. I took it for
a prolonged period and after its sale was restricted in Ireland I bought it
abroad. After I was better I took a low dose just in the winter time (Nov- Feb)
to prevent the onset of SAD. Now that I work outside all year round I receive
a lot more sunlight and hence I have had no need for it. At the time I had not
been aware of the deep significance of St. Johns Wort in paganism both symbolically
and as a healing plant, only later as I proceeded with my Druidic studies did
I come to fully understand both its ancient and modern spiritual usage.
Since those early days I changed my diet and began the first of six attempts
that it took me to give up smoking. I began daily yoga and began to meditate,
write music and poetry, go out to the beach and woods with my daughter, take
a renewed interest in spirituality and many other things that gradually made
me feel more and more positive.
The spiral was now moving upwards instead of downwards – with each positive
step my life became more positive and my capacity to make positive change increased.
Now ten years later I have a life that I am happy with, I can look in the mirror
and say that I like who I have become. I have changed career to become a horticulturalist,
I practice Reiki, I have trained as a druid with OBOD, I have my own home, a
great relationship with my daughter and usually civil relations with my now
ex-wife. I am not perfect, I still have flaws and problems like anyone else
but I feel that I am much more the person I had always hoped to be. I feel that
embracing my spiritual yearnings and finding the strength to follow the path
my heart’s true desire has been instrumental in my healing. I am no-longer
living my life to please everyone else whilst making myself miserable: the great
mistake of doing that is that it makes no-one happy and serves only to decrease
your ability to help either yourself or those around you.
I could not have made this transition without the help and love of key people
such as my daughter, my mother and the therapists and friends who have helped
me along the road to a happier and healthier life, but ultimately I had to make
every step myself. At the bottom of this journey lies the simple truth that
just looking for meaning does not give you health and happiness. It was the
striving to be happier, to learn to love myself, to find spirit in myself and
the world around me, and the actual living of a better life that brought me
back to happiness and thus enabled me to find a deeper meaning to my existence.
We all possess tremendous power to change in both negative and positive directions,
and this power feeds itself and grows stronger in whichever direction you choose
to take it. This is at the core of any magical practice, but it is easy to forget
that our directed will manifests in the astral and physical planes, sometimes
in unexpected or chronic forms. The simple choices and reactions each day shape
us - which direction will I throw my energy into? Do I want to be happy or wallow
in suffering? I had to choose, we all do every day, as the process is never
ending if we are to remain in balance. Life will always throw up problems, we
cannot control what the fates throw at us, but with proactively choosing our
actions, honesty and awareness of the spiritual aspects of all existence, our
problems can be turned into opportunities and negativity transformed into happiness.